Today’s Funny
June 28, 2008But I’m not really kidding. I’ll pay you. Really. I will.
Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
And because quotes make me happy too
May 12, 2008“Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man that goes the furthest is generally the one willing to do and dare. The “sure thing” boat never gets far from the shore.”- Dale Carnegie
If my life were a movie
April 5, 2008If my life were a movie, right now it would be “Caddyshack.” So instead of writing the blog post I would like to be writing and catching up with blog buddies, I will be hooking up my new hose to the faucet to try to convince my most recent tenant (whom my daughter has affectionately named Gophey) to kindly move next door into the empty lot and stop making YET ANOTHER HOLE in the ten square feet of grass I own. (Well, Countrywide actually owns it, but you understand.)
We’re up to about 15 holes so far. No lie. I have procrastinated on running his little gopher butt out of my yard since my aunt shared with me no fewer than 25 ways to blow him to smithereens, and the idea of hurting him just didn’t sit well with me. And yes, I do still eat meat, so understand that I realize that I am selective in my compassion — for better or worse.
Babs started telling her girlfriend on the phone yesterday about his family, though, and I thought, “Angela, if he wants to live with you, why run him off?!” But you know, folks. I think I need to take action. Wish me well. Gophey and I are about to have a come-to-Jesus meeting, where hopefully the only result will be that he moves next door (to the vacant lot — I can’t in good conscience wish him on my neighbors).
Babs, of course, wants to trap him and bring him inside where we can hold him and squeeze him and change his name to George. Since Buddy (the mouse formerly known as Snake Food) is already living in the hamster cage, I don’t see how this would be in my best interests.
She’s also bugging me for a Collie, folks. Pray for me. (I have no back yard.)
I love multiple choice
March 18, 2008Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken “crossed” the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road”. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?”
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Rather, it is, “Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste toobserve the chicken crossing?”
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road. It transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn’t see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
BILL CLINTON: “I did not have an improper relationship with that chicken.”
Would you like some Nyquil with that?
October 1, 2007What was that phrase? “Feelin’ California. Lookin’ Minnesota”? Kids, I don’t feel well.
Yep. The Heebie Jeebies got my number and came a’ callin. So forgive me while I am absent and recuperating. This little engine ran out of steam.
Damn. I hate when that happens.
BUT BECAUSE I THINK OF YOU ALL THE TIME, here’s a funny to help get you through your Monday . . . whoops, Tuesday.
See you on the happy (and well) side.
My thanks to BBoop for the creativity. For more funny wooden signs, click here. Cheers, everyone!
July 21, 2007
Talking Cats
Happy weekend, all!
And as for the cats, as Kevin Nealon used to say: “And that’s news to me.”
