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On feeling not quite myself

March 31, 2007

So this slump of mine seems to be lasting longer than usual. In fact, I haven’t had one like this since . . . well, I can’t even tell you what was going on, it was that bad.

I’m not sure if it started because Jon got a little down in the dumps and I felt like it must be my turn, too, or if it was my girlfriend Tiffany asking me how I really was doing after that awful lawsuit where I was told that basically there was nothing they could or would do to help keep my daughter safe and if she wouldn’t really talk about it (instead of just burying toys in the sand), then we were just shit outta luck.

And then came the Kathy Sierra story that seemed to push me over the edge in terms of my belief in humanity. For four years, I’ve been trying to get back to that Anne-Frank-People-Are-Good mentality, and it’s just not happenin’ folks. Not this week anyway.

I’ve been trying, with a relative amount of success, to learn to get through all of this with meditation and letting go. I can’t protect her 24/7, now, can I?

But I want to. And I feel helpless today. Helpless the way that Kathy feels. Helpless and angry. Angry that there are people in the world who are so selfish that they would hurt or allow anyone to be hurt, especially a child, especially MY child.

So there you have it. Tiff’s question apparently opened a Pandora’s box for me that I thought I had sealed up pretty well. Duct tape and superglue are supposed to be good for those kinds of things.

And I don’t talk about it much because A) it’s a downer, and 2) bringing her up on this blog just opens us up to the type of crap that Kathy is going through. But I feel like if I don’t figure out a way to work through these feelings that I’ll miss all the good things we have available for us this weekend.

That’s why I’m trying to work it through.

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10 comments

  1. Arrrgggghhhhh! I wish so much you didn’t have to deal with this or even worry about it. On the other hand, Babs and LJ and a lot of pets — some not even yours — are so much better off because of you.

    Sending good thoughts and prayers, especially heartfelt because you’ve been kind to me in the past.

    I think you can trust your instincts — they seem sharp and accurate, and I’m sure they’re based on a lot of wisdom besides the kindness.

    Still at the same old places, besides enjoying the great stuff you post in your blog —

    Hazy


  2. You are obviously dealing with something I hav eno way of catching up on.

    Which puts me in an awkward place when trying to find words of encouragement…

    Ahhh what the heck, I can try something that works on some women…

    You are very pretty. Your bubby is a very lucky man.

    Hope you and yours all feel grandiose in short order…


  3. I have to admit to being a bit lost here, but it sounds like you are going through something difficult. Adn not worrying isn’t really the answer because it’s a mom’s job to worry. So I’ll just echo Scott: “You are very pretty. Your bubby is a very lucky man.” And say I’m keeping you in my thoughts.


  4. Hazy,

    As always, it’s so good to see you. I appreciate you more than you could ever know. If I could just stop WORRYING, I feel like I’d be fine. But that worry is a nag, sometimes more than others. I just want my kids to be okay, you know? And feeling helpless is not one of my more pleasant feelings. But we all ARE helpless to lesser and more degrees, so learning how to deal is really the only way to get through.

    Scott,

    Thanks so much. I so don’t want this to be a bitch blog (those are such downers), but this week I really did take advantage of this being my place for personal expression, not just a place where I try to entertain the blogosphere. I realize it’s disjointed because to explain it all would keep me here until about 2010. (HA! — okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration.) Most of the time I really want to focus on all that is good and positive in my life, but lives aren’t always all good and positive. (Rambling stream of consciousness – hope that makes sense and thanks for bearing with me.)

    CSL ~ thank you! I’ve just always had a deep worry about both of my children and how safe they are when their with their “other” parents. I would never not *want* to know what their lives are like when they’re at the other homes, but knowing creates more fear than not knowing, at least sometimes. But when worry doesn’t (or can’t) lead to a resolution, what good is it for? (i.e. a court isn’t going to change custody just because LJ’s mom admitted to me that she drinks half a bottle every night along with her meds, so now I go to sleep wondering if he’s okay and what effect her drinking is having on him — and then I try to tell myself that there’s nothing I can really do about it, but that feels like a cop out.) Definitely humor sabatoging. 😦


  5. Have yov considered seeing a counselor? You sound like you are not only suffering from a small amount of depression but anxiety as well. I’m sorry to hear that Jon isn’t very supportive of you in this. A proffesional might help you sort through your fears and anxiety, what ever their true origins are. You said here that maybe it’s not babs that you are actually worried about but actually now it’s L j. Perhaps it IS a fear of something else as well-or better yet maybe a fear of not having total control over everything. Life is not a hollywood movie. No one perfect. We all worry about life-are our kids safe, are our spouses safe, are they being faithful and supportive. It’s when these thoughts not only absorb our every waking minute but our family’s as well that you get to ask yourself what kind of unsafe conditions are WE putting our own kids in. This worry & anxiety will rub off on them. I truly hope you can find peace and happiness in your life, no matter what that looks like. The good stuff WILL pass you by otherwise-take it from someone who’s been there. Good luck!


  6. Hi Jackie, thanks for caring. I seem to do a fairly good job most of the time, but certain things do set off some anxiety in me, usually when I’m not being honest with myself or others. There’s a magnet on my fridge that says “Stress is what happens when your gut says ‘no’ and your mouth says ‘of course, I’d be glad to.'”

    The other night on the phone when LJ’s mom was trying to convince me that her drinking doesn’t negatively impact her ability to care for him gave me the opportunity to stand up and say, “Yes, but it does.” I didn’t take that chance for fear of getting pushed away, but I feel like I betrayed him on some level by not telling her how I truly felt.

    I still worry about Babs, but it was the one-two that got me this week. Fortunately, she is doing MUCH better than she was, so the worry level there has been greatly reduced.

    I do feel like I hear you on being so worried that you miss out on the good stuff and aren’t what you need to be for your family. I try my best to work against that and to savor every moment I have with them. Most of the time I do a pretty good job. But I’m definitely human and the stress catches up with me sometimes. Fortunately, my kids and my hub don’t seem to notice or be affected very much. (At least not from what they tell me.) At the end of the day, it’s all good. I just have these moments every few months or so when I have to make sure that I’m being honest with myself and those in my life. This was one of those moments, and I’ll find a way to talk to LJ’s mom so that I don’t feel like I’m enabling her behavior to his detriment (which is how I’ve been feeling this week). This too shall pass. Take care!


  7. Angela, as you know from the past I’ve never been responsible for a child. Also, my free opinions are worth every penny they cost!

    Still, I understand why you don’t want to be an enabler — especially of behavior that could be detrimental to LJ. On the other hand, it did occur to me that you must be doing a lot right if LJ’s mother would call you, mortified, and try to justify her behavior. It seems to show that she cares about your opinion and doesn’t see you as an enemy from whom she has to hide her behavior. I hope it also means that, if she realizes she needs help, she’ll turn right to you to keep LJ safe.

    So it sounds like you’re walking a tightrope, which would have to get to you occasionally. Many hugs, and best wishes for keeping your balance!


  8. Hazy, you have been too good to me all these years. Thank you for your friendship and perspective. I had a minor ephiphany/realization that I’ll have to share when I get a moment that helped me understand why I was stressing out so, but I’ll have to save that for a time when I am not KNEE DEEP IN TAXES (hence the post to come). Sincere hugs and love for all your good wishes. I hope that I’ve always adequately expressed how very much you’ve helped me on this journey. (I think you can see in so many ways how the support of that community got me from where I was to where I am now. I truly will always be indebted to you, especially, for that.) xoxoxoxo


  9. I don’t know how old your kid is, but I would be thinking about talking with him regarding a safety plan – what to do if the stepmother seems out of it, that sort of thing. I have thought ahead about what that will be like for me if/when a stepmother comes into the picture for my kids. The idea of one even just being neglectful is scary, it would keep me up nights.


  10. CSL ~ he’s 3. And he’s awesome. The trouble is that it’s actually his mother-mother. (I’m just the stepmom.) And he’s with her five weeks out of every six because he lives in Texas. I’m terribly grateful as my daughter grows and is able to be more watchful of what goes on around her, but kid worry is the worst worry there is and it can definitely get consuming/overwhelming. Thank you for the safety plan idea. Even if we just got him a phone to call us I would feel better, but he’s still just a little too young. Hopefully she’ll pull it out and start making some better choices. That she thinks that he’s always safe while in her care, even as she slurring her words to me, is more than a little disconcerting. Thanks so much for caring. I hope you have a wonderful, beautiful weekend! *Hugs*



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