Archive for August 29th, 2007

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My own particular brand of crazy

August 29, 2007

Have you every noticed patterns about yourself? Quirks that seem to come up over and over, even when you’re willing them not to? It could be that you have to turn around before opening a door, or that every year around a certain time you find yourself more accident prone than normal.

For me, whenever we’re having problems with LJ’s mom (as we are now), I start feeling pregnant.

Now, I realize that nausea can be the result of stress just as much as pregnancy, so I do try to talk myself out of thinking of the pregnancy scenario by telling myself that it’s just plain silly to think that I might be pregnant. Of course it’s just stress and wishful thinking.

And I am keenly aware of the fact that subconsciously (and perhaps not so subconsciously) I wish that the kids were ours and that we didn’t have to share. There. I said it.

So there it is, welling up in my gut in the form of nausea that is not entirely a stress reaction to LJ’s mom’s recent move with no forwarding information, no address, no phone and no plans for any future visits: the biological desire to have a child all our own that can only be screwed up by our imperfect parenting instead of all the help we’re getting on the side.

“Yes, waiter. I’d like a screwed up child with a side of guilt. Make that a double, would ya?”

I’d love to write more, but I have a smashing headache and feel like I need to go pray to the Porcelain God for a little bit. I haven’t actually thrown up yet, which is quite comforting. As much as the idea of a baby thrills me, I don’t think I’m ready for an actual baby.

Hopefully this will all pass in a couple of days. If not, I’ll keep you posted.

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