My own particular brand of crazy

August 29, 2007

Have you every noticed patterns about yourself? Quirks that seem to come up over and over, even when you’re willing them not to? It could be that you have to turn around before opening a door, or that every year around a certain time you find yourself more accident prone than normal.

For me, whenever we’re having problems with LJ’s mom (as we are now), I start feeling pregnant.

Now, I realize that nausea can be the result of stress just as much as pregnancy, so I do try to talk myself out of thinking of the pregnancy scenario by telling myself that it’s just plain silly to think that I might be pregnant. Of course it’s just stress and wishful thinking.

And I am keenly aware of the fact that subconsciously (and perhaps not so subconsciously) I wish that the kids were ours and that we didn’t have to share. There. I said it.

So there it is, welling up in my gut in the form of nausea that is not entirely a stress reaction to LJ’s mom’s recent move with no forwarding information, no address, no phone and no plans for any future visits: the biological desire to have a child all our own that can only be screwed up by our imperfect parenting instead of all the help we’re getting on the side.

“Yes, waiter. I’d like a screwed up child with a side of guilt. Make that a double, would ya?”

I’d love to write more, but I have a smashing headache and feel like I need to go pray to the Porcelain God for a little bit. I haven’t actually thrown up yet, which is quite comforting. As much as the idea of a baby thrills me, I don’t think I’m ready for an actual baby.

Hopefully this will all pass in a couple of days. If not, I’ll keep you posted.


  1. I think we all have a little “crazy” going on inside of us. If my stress levels get too high – I stop eating. It’s not like I have a choice.. I chew and chew but the stomach closes up and says “no way”.
    I do hope your nausea passes… such an icky feeling isn’t it? I don’t blame you for not wanting to share kids… I only have one and she is my life – I am so glad I didn’t have to share her!

  2. Thanks, Dawn. Empathy, sympathy and most other things ending in “y” are always appreciated!

  3. She just disappeared? It’s possible you may never see your stepson again???

  4. Hi, Jim. No, fortunately. But this is the kind of stuff that sometimes we feel she likes to get us wound up over. So a while back, we realized that it takes two to engage, so if we worked to really take a deep breath and decide when to engage and when not to engage, we’d all be better off — LJ most of all.

    We know where she’s teaching. We know her sister’s numbers and mother’s numbers, and she called us over the weekend to say that she’d ordered a cell phone but that it hadn’t come in yet. It’s just hard because she really wants us to work with her fear and control issues but then doesn’t seem to give anything close to what she basically demands from us. But you know what? Such is life. And such are people, and if we have to get in the van and go find him, we will. I get the feeling that she doesn’t *like* the relationship that we have with him, but I don’t think that she’d nix it. I hope/think she understands the importance of the son/father relationship. Thanks for caring, though. A couple of years ago, I would have been frightened about that. Now I think that it’s just a respect issue that I hope can be resolved but am not expecting it to anytime soon. Waiting for leopards to change their spots has caused me enough grief to last a lifetime. Better to let some of this stuff go and ride the wave. πŸ˜‰

  5. Oh, and I realize that I didn’t really answer your first question! We knew that she would be moving and the general area. She just didn’t give us a physical address or new phone number. (She had no cell, which was part of the problem with this most recent blow-up.) Could he be halfway to Chile, though? Absolutely.

  6. Aww — I’m sorry you’re feeling nasty. That’s lousy and I would guarantee it’s psychosomatic. I go into the crazies (well, not really crazy, but depressed and a bit anxious) in late June, which is the anniversary of a speration that led to a highly acrimonious divorce from somebody whom I once loved more than life itself. I also get separation angst about my beloved stepdaughter around the same time.
    It’s all symbolic and triggered by either anniversaries and/or events. In your case you have a direct trigger in this contact, and it intensitifies your feelings about where you are in the scenario. OK, dear, I’m getting rambly but that’s only because I really like talking to you, even in this electronic realm. Hope you’re better soon.

  7. Wow. Ian, I had no idea that I would actually hit on someone else’s psychosomatic tendency. Thank you so much for sharing that. I’m just glad that I finally realized what I was doing so that I stop myself when I start getting the urge to buy baby clothes or look for good mid-wives. It’s good to just acknowledge what I’m feeling and be able to move on. (I love talking with you, too. In case it isn’t obvious!)

  8. Not sure this comment went through. So I’m posting it again:

    Ang, I haven’t seen such patterns in my own life. I have no patterns whatsoever … it’s all utter chaos.

    Pregnant? Oh my God! You think? You think? Stop thinking! This might be really cool. Please keep us posted!


  9. Oh, you don’t want a baby anyway. All they do is poop and spit up and demand to be waited on hand and foot.

    That said, I don’t think your nausea is crazy at all. I think it just means that you’re human.

    And thanks for the nice comments on my blog! I will definitely place you on the blogroll!

  10. Can she do that? Really? Just take the kid with no word to dad? People suck. She sucks. I hope you hear soon and am glad you are a positive, loving person in LJ’s life.

    I’m no doctor, but that sounds like anxiety. I found I had agita so bad every time I drove to Virginia. It would start at the Delaware/Maryland Border and not let up until I was in New Jersey on my way home. Turns out, it was anxiety at having to see good old mom. So, an ativan later, I have wonderful visits and agita free driving.

  11. Hi Dan! I’m so glad you took the time to post twice. Thank you. And yes, if I could just stop THINKING, life would be much grander. Still working on it, though. Getting closer. πŸ™‚ And no baby this time (probably better for baby). But thank you for being excited for me/us. A baby would be lovely and much loved.

    Dorky Dad ~ Thanks so much for visiting. I really loved your blog and couldn’t believe I hadn’t visited sooner. Ah, that the days were 50 hours long instead of 24. I guess they’d just want us to work more, though, so there you have it. Thanks for the reminder of those Twilight Zone days. Those *were* rough.

    Hi Pool! Oh, she can pretty much do whatever she likes. But I think she gets a sick high off of yanking our chain, so we try to disengage whenever possible. She’s a tough one. I won’t mince words there.

    Thanks also for the Ativan advice. I think I may need to look into that! πŸ˜‰

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