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You have got to be shittin’ me

October 14, 2007

I had no idea that having separate finances was such an asset to Jon’s and my relationship.

Wow.

Money and Lies on MSN today.

In ten years of shared finances with two different men (who weren’t Jon), I have to say that I never experienced this. Am I clueless?

Don’t answer that. πŸ˜‰

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10 comments

  1. Ah, those little “white” lies and deceptions can be deadly!


  2. Hi Beth ~ True. But I wonder where privacy and independence play a role. Perhaps if we all allowed each other more of both, we wouldn’t have so many of the troubles we have.

    Is it really easier to have 100% control, 100% privacy and be alone? Or is there a healthy middle ground? I, for one, need a lot of independence and wiggle room. If I didn’t have this, I don’t know how I’d be able to stay in relationship with someone who insisted that I share everything. That’s just not going to happen for me in this lifetime. I suppose that’s why I choose the men I do. Freedom. Ah, sweet freedom.


  3. The fact that my former husband REFUSED to allow us to keep separate checking accounts is 50 percent of the reason we’re divorced today. I make excellent money , but in his opinion I “spent” too much, so I was put on a $500 a month allowance. Lemme tell you how festive that is for a 28-year-old professional who works 60 hours a week.

    If there ever is a husband No. 2, it’s separate finances, and a joint account for some purchases. I saw NO benefit from one person having all of the control.


  4. Hi Jacque! Thanks so much for stopping by. I could write an entire book about this topic alone: control, not money. What the hell is up with it?! I have my theories, but life (for me anyway) is just FAR too short to struggle that way. It’s a shame that all of our shit can’t just come out during the dating phase so that we would all (my ex and husband included) know what we were getting into. I’m sure that I’m as guilty of it as the next person — but how to even be aware that we are being controlling, depressed, rebellious, etc.? It’s a crazy thing, relationships. But I still think that the benefit of good ones outweighs whatever must be given in exchange. I think the phrase “older and wiser” probably applies to us both. Best of luck to you!


  5. I think it goes back to trust. You are right, it’s more of control than money. I hate control and to be controlled too so it goes both ways for the husband or wife. Therefore, I’ll never want to say to J that “you have only $500 to spend a month” or would I ever want her to say that to me. We have separate bank accounts and are happy at that. The independence to do things while keeping the trust works well for us but may not for another couple — it all varies from couple to couple. It’s hard to pinpoint and say what is the right way and wrong way to do something here. Relationships ARE a complicated thing!

    Those little white lies can really add up and it’s probably better be straight up at the beginning than deal with it later. I’ve had my fair share of white lies and have to admit that it is easier said than done sometimes. If I was upfront about things, I wouldn’t have dugg myself into a deeper hole.

    Also, I have this thing about putting all our money into one account too i.e. the putting all eggs in one basket scenario. One screw up with anything on that account may be catastrophic. That may be just me being paranoid but do you blame me — after having my account being wrongly debited with more than $30k worth (a couple of times!) and not being able to spend anything for weeks while they were sorting it out. In addition to that, the checks I had written (for bills) bounced and incurred high fees for each one too which put the account further in debt. They did sort it out alright after many visits to the bank and arguments with the bank staff. Oh yeah, I received a nice logo pen and folder for my troubles. You’ll be happy to know that I have since left that bank.

    That being said, thanks for the link to the article. You’re always good at finding out good links.

    Happy hump day!


  6. Hi Foo ~ Absolutely. Trust and m.a.t.u.r.i.t.y.

    Why would I need to put my spouse on a budget? Why would he need to put me on one?

    And, as I write that I realize that there are probably several answers to this question, but honestly, we don’t need parents and police for mates — do we?

    I do absolutely agree about the white lies, but I also don’t think that every blessed little thing must be shared in order to maintain intimacy. In fact, I think it’s healthy not to. Who wants to listen to a laundry list of potential mistakes every day?

    Respect me. Let me know what I deserve to or need to know. Call it good. For me, as with so many things, it’s about respect. People who respect each other and their marriage don’t sink their financial ship and they don’t try to control or otherwise put self above the other and the relationship. Obviously this is best-case scenario because we are all hopelessly flawed and often struggle to respect *ourselves* let alone our family.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your bank troubles. What a hassle! You poor thing for having to go through that. Hopefully that will be the last time you ever have to go through something like that. Happy hump day to you, too!


  7. My ex and I had completely shared finances which worked very well for us. We were aleays pretty wellaligned financially. (Though not in some other ways, obviously, or we’d still be married!) But if I ever marry again – a BIG if – I will not be merging my accounts.


  8. C ~ I was glad to hear that around half of married couples don’t share finances. I know that it helps my relationship and don’t understand where all the control stuff comes from. Better that way, I’m sure.


  9. yes, respect is definitely an important thing i failed to mention.

    i think there is no such thing as a perfect marriage but you can certainly strive to come close. the great marriages and the ones that last for a long time are the couples that give and take, learn from their mistakes and work things out. there isn’t a *happy ever after* fairy tale marriage and certain nothing coming close without trying and working towards it. to me that is the essence of a healthy relationship. whether i am right or wrong remains to be seen — might want to check with me again in 50 years time (if i’m still alive) πŸ˜‰


  10. Hi Foo ~ I absolutely agree with all you said. And yes, you’d *better* be around in 50 years! πŸ™‚



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