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If my life were a movie

April 5, 2008

If my life were a movie, right now it would be “Caddyshack.” So instead of writing the blog post I would like to be writing and catching up with blog buddies, I will be hooking up my new hose to the faucet to try to convince my most recent tenant (whom my daughter has affectionately named Gophey) to kindly move next door into the empty lot and stop making YET ANOTHER HOLE in the ten square feet of grass I own. (Well, Countrywide actually owns it, but you understand.)

We’re up to about 15 holes so far. No lie. I have procrastinated on running his little gopher butt out of my yard since my aunt shared with me no fewer than 25 ways to blow him to smithereens, and the idea of hurting him just didn’t sit well with me. And yes, I do still eat meat, so understand that I realize that I am selective in my compassion — for better or worse.

Babs started telling her girlfriend on the phone yesterday about his family, though, and I thought, “Angela, if he wants to live with you, why run him off?!” But you know, folks. I think I need to take action. Wish me well. Gophey and I are about to have a come-to-Jesus meeting, where hopefully the only result will be that he moves next door (to the vacant lot — I can’t in good conscience wish him on my neighbors).

Babs, of course, wants to trap him and bring him inside where we can hold him and squeeze him and change his name to George. Since Buddy (the mouse formerly known as Snake Food) is already living in the hamster cage, I don’t see how this would be in my best interests.

She’s also bugging me for a Collie, folks. Pray for me. (I have no back yard.)

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10 comments

  1. Maybe you could borrow a dashound.


  2. Have a whack-the-gopher party, why not? I’d come if I was in the neighborhood. You know I would.


  3. What happened to bucket fish?


  4. You have to hold firm on th epets you don’t want around. But George is kind of a cute name for a gopher.


  5. Good luck! I just Googled “gopher repellent” and saw a powder that supposedly smells like fox urine to gophers, so that it scares them away without harming them or other animals including people. It would be great if something like that worked. You might not want to host a barbeque for guests with sensitive noses that weekend, however….


  6. Definitely go with the Collie. He’ll chase the gopher away and everybody will live happily ever after.


  7. Seventh Sister ~ An excellent suggestion. I should go find one.

    Ian ~ As long as you don’t hurt him, I’m all for it!

    Reese ~ Still in the bucket, unfortunately. At this point, I am thinking of getting him a bigger bucket.

    Citizen ~ So true. Thanks for th reminder.

    Hazy ~ I love you so much. I keep meaning to email you and just slide past it every time. Email me if you think of it. I’d love to catch up and see how you are. Thanks for the information!

    Heart ~ Babs wants a Collie so badly she can hardly stand it. I just need a back yard and a fence before I can go ahead with that.


  8. Beacuse I read somewhere around here that you are too uptight about grammar, I have to say this. English is not my first language (and not the second either) but I try to be as good as I can. And I used past tense everytime I used “if” and everyone looked at me as if I were (was?) wrong. I love to see someone else using it like me…

    (I don’t make sense, I’m sorry)


  9. I just started singing “Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts” in my head. 🙂


  10. Nice blog. This entry reminded me of my possum problem. I bet my alter ego The Possum Hunter(protoge of the Croc Hunter) would try a gopher trap if he had a gopher problem.



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