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Following up

May 19, 2008

Yes, folks. I have been going through some stuff. Going through some stuff, I have.

I know that I’m feeling my way through it, but it’s a process, isn’t it?

And it’s so tempting to fall into defensive traps, thoughts, actions and words that separate us from each other instead of drawing us close. I find myself fighting that almost daily now, disillusioned by life and love, wondering what’s next, trying my best to learn, finally, how to live in the moment, each and every blessed one of them.

I catch myself trying to make sense of relationships and wanting to will myself to keep an open heart in the midst of a world that’s filled with pain, some of it intentional, most of it not. Openheartedness is so much better, don’t you think?

I realized, though, that Monday’s posts made little to no sense in the context of a public blog that only shares 1/100th of the story. There is so much more — so much more.

Because I’m one of those who cringes to think that the folks at work are reading her life, and because I’m not foolish enough to think that my daughter may not one day grow up and find this damned thing, I try to be sagacious in what I share and what I don’t.

I fear, however, that it’s led to a relatively boring blog — the top 1% of my life that I’m willing to share publicly, especially since these months have been the best and worst of times for me.

The last six months have brought an extraordinary amount of change. And I realize that I’ve hid behind buttons with cute sayings and short snippets about the gopher who longed to make his home under my grass as a way of not coming out and saying what I was going through — for hundreds of reasons, thousands perhaps. (Okay, a bit of an exaggeration. I do that. I’m an exaggerator. What kind of storyteller would I be if I didn’t allow myself a Beowulf exaggeration every now and then?)

But I realize that it all must seem rather disjointed for anyone who may actually be trying to follow along. I apologize for that. I know you understand.

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11 comments

  1. I love that you know the word “sagacious.”

    And for people who feel frustrated by what this blog isn’t saying, here’s a novel idea: Ask. Angie loves the personal touch. And if she trusts you, she’ll tell you. Sooner than you think, and in more detail than you’ll expect.

    I personally treasure each of these one-on-one exchanges as a breath of summer warmth through the window of a wonderful soul. I only wish I took greater advantage of it. But it’s not the frequency by which I grab the thread that counts … it’s the knowing that the thread is there to grab whenever I feel moved to do so.


  2. Has anyone been hassling you about the blog? If so, they should shut up. Are you worrying yourself about what your readers think? Don’t. Every sensible reader should realise that every blogger keeps at least part of their lives from their blogs, and rightly so. You are entitled to reveal as much, or as little about yourself as you like, and cryptic cathartic posts are as good as any other because ultimately, who is this blog for? Yourself, right? We’re just privileged to be invited to read.

    Personally, I cringe and worry whenever people post lots of photos of their children along with loads of identifying details the savvy predator can utilise to track them down. One blogger I used to read had innocent youtube video of their child hijacked and shared around a child-porn site.

    Also, I don’t care to read about people’s sexual exploits or their snooty opinions on major world issues.

    I like your blog. It is thought-provoking, humane and not at all mean spirited (unlike mine!). Keep up the good work!


  3. I think most of us can extrapolate. 🙂 Just keep talking! It’s not the circumstances anyway. It’s about how you are feeling.


  4. Thank you, Jim. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now, which doesn’t express my gratitude or my ability with words, but it’s accurate. Bless you.

    Lonie ~ Let’s just say that my fear of Big Brother watching has led to some rather boring posts, I’m afraid. Thank you for your encouragement and the warning, too. Scary stuff online. Thank you, hon. You’re a treasure. Hope you’re doing well!

    Chani ~ Thank you. I fear being boring. I really do. And I know I share a lot less than I used to. Thanks for your encouragement!


  5. I have done some extrememly obscure posts, hinting, suggesting, clouding the real facts. But I will say once again, your blog is your own, it’s for you. And really, there are things that ought not be posted publicly.


  6. Blogging is for you – it’s all about what you want to share, when you want to share it and with whom.

    And, by the way, those gopher stories are funny!


  7. Citizen ~ Thank you for the validation and reminder. Public posting is such a nebulous area.

    Beth ~ Thank you, my friend. Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate you!


  8. so, the gopher is a metaphore? I’m so lost.

    Seriously, I like what you say. keep it up.


  9. Say It ~ The gopher is quite real. He even poked his head out of his hole last month to mock me. And thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate it!


  10. It sounds as if you have an especially full plate right now. The last thing you need to worry about is being boring. (Which you’re not, in any event.)

    Perhaps you don’t quite realize that those of us who read here do not regard you as entertainment, but a friend. Which means that we are glad to be included to the extent you wish to share, and that we wish you happiness, however you define it.


  11. Heart ~ Thank you. I appreciate that. So much.



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